Welcome to the University of Nevada at Las Vegas and the third "Unseemly Clash of the Candidates" brought to you by the Commission on Presidential Debates. This final contest comes on the heels of two equally ugly and disgusting performances, on Sept. 26 at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, and on Sunday at Washington University in St. Louis.
Tonight, the two contenders come together for the final time, something many Americans will undoubtedly greet with gratitude.
Now let's introduce the candidates.
In the blue corner is the Democratic nominee from Chappaqua, N.Y., by way of Illinois, Arkansas and Washington, District of Columbia, Hillary "I'll Blind Them With My Footwork" Clinton.
In the red corner is the Republican nominee from Queens, and wherever else he elects to plant his flag, Donald "The Tongue and Genital Groper" Trump.
The referee for tonight's event is Chris Wallace of Fox News. Have mercy on his soul.